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guiding you from chaos to calm

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Episode 21: Leading Well When You’re Not the Leader

/ Classroom Culture+ Podcast

Show Transcript

As a teacher, you’re ready to solve problems, support students and families, and change lives through your classroom.  But the world of education is full of rules, boundaries, and requirements that are often beyond our control.  How can we be the leaders we desire to be when we’re not really the person making the rules?  

Welcome to Beyond the Bedlam, Episode 21!  

Today I’m sharing some leadership takeaways from my decade and a half of boots on the ground experience in the classroom.  Even with restrictions and boundaries that make your job feel impossible, it is STILL possible to lead well and make a mark on your students’ lives, their families’ lives, and the lives of your colleagues!

1:25

This past week, I was sharing with a group of students why I decided to become a teacher.  They were so surprised to find out that I didn’t become a teacher to actually teach my content area!  Sure, I teach the elementary music classes that I am contracted to teach, and I enjoy the content area very much!  But at the end of the day, I’m not as concerned about my students being the very best musicians in the world.  I’m far more concerned that I have helped them to be the very best versions of themselves possible!  And I use the platform of music to achieve that.  

As I’ve matured in my journey as an educator, I still love helping students be the very best they can be, and now I also have great joy in helping my colleagues and the parents of my students be the best they can be too!  

But with all the red tape we encounter as educators, sometimes it can feel impossible to make progress and to lead well when you’re not the leader.  So, why do I keep going when things are getting more difficult in the educational world by the day?  How does staying committed help me to lead well when I’m not the “leader?”

2:40
There are four big reasons I’m committed to leading each day in my classroom.  Perhaps one of these will resonate with you today too!

2:49
The first reason I’m committed to leading well in the classroom is that it affords me the opportunity to have an active voice in the field.  It’s no secret that many decisions in education have been made and are being made by people who don’t have much (or any!) experience in the field.  But occasionally, they do ask for input from those of us who are diligently working with students and their families!  I desire to have the opportunity to offer input, and staying committed in the classroom assures that I don’t cut myself off from that opportunity!  Children are society’s most valuable asset, and they cannot advocate for themselves.  They need experienced, caring, visionary adults actively involved in the profession to advocate for them.  So I continue on!

3:45

The second reason I’m committed to leading well in the classroom is that children and their families need professionals in the classroom who have vision–educators who see not only the obstacles, but also paths around or through them!  I’ve always taken it as a personal challenge to be given a scenario that looks insurmountable and find a way around it.  I *thrive* in this type of environment where I am constantly solving problems!  

When I accepted my first full-time teaching assignment, I was given the opportunity to help open a campus for about a thousand 5th and 6th grade students.  I was super excited!  And then I saw the bid list for what would be in my music classroom.  It listed a stereo, some risers, and a GONG.  A GONG.  Really?!?  No rhythm sticks, no Orff instruments, no drums, no nothing.  I don’t think there was even a curriculum listed.  And I was in one of the BEST, most coveted school districts in that metropolitan area!  

I promptly went to my principal and asked where the missing supplies might be, and he promised to help me get what we needed.  A little impatient at the time, I asked if it would be ok to ask for local businesses to sponsor my classroom and donate the funds for us to purchase what was needed, and he heartily agreed.  

The day I walked into a car dealership down the street from my school to pitch my sponsorship idea to the general manager, I was greeted with a curt, “I’ll hear you out, but I’m not planning on giving you anything.”  I left with the promise of several thousand dollars that year and an invitation to ask again the following year.  

I took nothing and made something.  I had a VISION for what that music program could be for the community, and it was SO MUCH FUN bringing that vision to fruition!  
It still gives me a mountaintop high to stare at a mountain and figure out a path around it!  And students and their families need teachers to lead with their visions for what could be–even if it means we need to be creative about how we bring it to fruition!

6:08
The third reason I’m committed to leading well in my classroom is that the world of education is full of people who need care and tangible demonstrations of concern:  students, their parents, teachers, educational leaders.  To be fair, I am not always the finest at encouraging others, but I do love to spread a little sunshine!  Having a consistent place to purposefully spread hope helps me to exercise leadership within my sphere of influence.  

Have you ever had a teacher friend come in your room with your favorite Sonic or Starbucks drink “just because?”  Have you ever been the recipient of a volunteer who made all of your copies for the week or cut all of your lamination?  Do you remember how it made you feel?  It made you feel good, didn’t it?  

Staying in the education field allows me easily accessible opportunities to find small ways to encourage others.  Sharing a kind word or smile or serving a student or colleague is a tangible way I can practice leadership!  And you can too!

7:19
The most important reason I actively pursue excellence in my classroom is very personal.  It’s my faith.  I believe that the Lord has given me the opportunity to invest in our community through the classroom.  It’s the place He’s assigned me to lead in little ways.  Does that mean He won’t ask me to do something different at some point in the future?  No!  But for as long as He continues to confirm my role in the classroom, I will be faithful to lead there.  Even if my sphere of influence is small.  Even with red tape and boundaries.  Even when challenges feel too big to conquer.  God shows His great love for his people and demonstrates his power to do the impossible through our faithfulness to stay the course where He has led us.

8:18
Choosing to be faithful to lead in our classrooms can be a hard decision.  Rather than sitting in a puddle and crying about things you can’t control, I’m challenging you to lead well this week in ONE area!  

You ARE a leader in some capacity.  

Could you speak up on behalf of a child and their best interests?  It might change their life!  

Can you find a creative way to address a challenge this week?  Do it!  

Could you choose to share a kind word or tangible support with a child or colleague this week?  Do!  

Can you stay the course as a demonstration of obedience in your own faith journey?  The Lord honors your commitment to do what He has called you to, and do it well.  

Whatever your reason for leading well, focus on THAT during the week ahead.  Deliberately focusing on the bigger picture of your investment as an educator will make all the difference in the world as you lead well–even when you’re not the “leader!”

9:28
Friends, I’m so glad you’ve joined us today.  I can’t wait to visit with you again, and until then, I’m in your corner cheering you on!  

If you’ve enjoyed today’s show, remember to subscribe to the podcast before you close your app so you won’t miss future tips, tricks, and triumphs we’ll share along the way!  And I’d be honored for you to share this podcast with a teacher mom friend who might be encouraged by listening along too!  Talk with you soon!

Episode 20: How to Win Over Students’ Parents

/ Classroom Management+ Podcast

LINKS Mentioned In This Episode

Free Parent Phone Call Script Download

Show Transcript

Building relationships with students is the easy part. Working your way into their parents hearts can be quite a challenge for teachers who feel more comfortable in front of an audience of children than an audience of grownups.

Welcome to Beyond the Bedlam, Episode 20!

In this episode, I’m sharing my favorite ways to build relationships with students’ families–specifically their parents. The journey can sometimes feel like there are 1000 dead-end roads, but many times all you need is a bridge to get where you’d like to go!

Hi, Friends, this is Lauren McKenzie and you’re listening to Beyond the Bedlam, a podcast for teacher moms. If you’re new here, I’m a teacher and wife and mom of two who loves to help others make strategic and simple shifts so they can win at home and at school. If you’re overwhelmed, have no time for yourself, and wish someone could help you get a game plan together, you’re in the right place. So turn up the volume, straighten your teacher mom tiara, and get ready to win.

This episode is brought to you by the Win With Kids Playbook, a resource to help you feel calm, confident and equipped as you help students cooperate without drama. To learn more, visit https://beyondthebedlam.com/win.

1:38–That “I Have to Call Their Parents” Feeling
I’ll never forget the first time that I needed to call Chase’s parents. (For the purpose of this podcast. I have changed my student’s name.) I had already been teaching at this time for almost a decade, but I had the biggest lump in my throat before I needed to call Chase’s folks. You see, Chase acted willfully uncooperative multiple class periods in a row, and I really needed some help in knowing what to do to help him to get with the program.

I literally had no good news to share on this particular call, and I had not taken the time to build up any rapport with the family yet. So I really felt kind of like a salesman going to make a cold call on a family during their dinner time with this particular phone call.

This would be the first of many phone calls to Chase’s family. But on this particular day, I decided to call Chase’s mom. She was as sweet as she could be and really actually appreciated my call. And in good news, she was more than willing to work with me. But she didn’t know how to! She actually asked me to call his dad in the future, but went ahead and committed to talking with Chase that particular night.

When we hung up the phone, although I was appreciative of Chase’s mom’s willingness to be supportive, I couldn’t help but be worried that I had missed the chance to build a relationship with his family since I started by calling them with bad news.

3:18–The Secret Strategy
I decided that day that this phone call would be the last one I made where I was still holding the proverbial ball in my own hands without a play ready when I called parents. I was committed to finding a way to put the ball in the parents’ court for all future phone calls. See, putting the ball in a parent’s court has been my secret sauce to winning parents over.

So how do I put that ball in their court? Well, I’ve found a few ways that help parents to be warm, receptive, and willing to listen and cooperate. So let’s dive right into them.

3:57–Call Parents Whenever Possible
The first key is to call parents whenever possible. I especially do this if I can tell right away that I’m going to struggle with a child. If at all possible, I call the parent with good news first. Now, there’s going to be some first week of school “oops” phone calls from time to time that just can’t be avoided. But I try to start with a positive phone call if I can.

The reason that I try to call whenever possible is that email leaves a written record that can be searched at any time by anyone with the credentials to do so. I would prefer to have a cordial conversation that is just heart to heart and grownup to grownup rather than starting by sending an email saying, “Your student is in trouble.” I don’t like to start on that note, so I call parents over emailing 100 times out of 100 if at all possible–especially because you can’t pick up on tone and congeniality as well in an email as you can with a voice to voice conversation. So, whenever possible have a voice to voice conversation.

5:26–Compliment their Child
The second thing that I do to help parents be warm receptive, willing to listen, and cooperative is on the very first interaction with them, I compliment their child. Everyone likes to hear how great and wonderful their own flesh and blood is. And when you compliment their child, it is indirectly complimenting their parenting! Sometimes I even actually call that out and directly compliment their parenting if I can. I just find the smallest thing to encourage them. Many parents have never been told that they’re doing a good job and a lot of parents feel lost. Just like you encourage a student when they’re doing something right, encourage the parent that they are doing something right!

I’ve shared in previous episodes, things that my dad has said to me when I was growing up. One of the things that dad has said that has just kind of stuck with me is, “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” So if you can right out of the gate, give the parents some honey instead of vinegar in what you’re discussing with them, that will help them to lower their defenses and be much more willing to cooperate in future scenarios because they feel like you are on their side and not on the opposing side.

7:01–Ask Questions!
The third thing that I do when I am interacting with parents is I ask questions of them. This is true, even when I’m calling because I need to have a difficult conversation with a parent. But ask lots of questions and be genuinely interested in what they have to say.

You don’t have to ask academic questions. Ask about things that motivate their child and things that their child is interested in. What is it that this particular student is doing at home? What do they enjoy doing when they’re not having to do their schoolwork? Then when they give you answers, share in their joy when they share information with you. If they’re sharing something exciting that’s important to their child or important to them, be excited with them! Even if you’re not excited, if you can be enthusiastic in your response with them, it helps them to see that you are partners and that you’re not just the professional here that is giving the answers to the questions in the parent-teacher relationship. Really we’re all on the same team for students.

8:20–Invite Their Involvement
The next thing and final thing that I do to help parents to be warm and receptive and willing to listen and cooperate is I invite their involvement. Parents love their children, and they may not be able to be at the school but they want their kids to know that they care.

There are lots of ways that we can involve parents at the school! My favorite thing to do is to ask parents to volunteer for their child’s classroom. Some parents can’t come in person because they’re at their own job working. But I’ve done things like sending home big batches of laminating to be cut out. And I have asked parents to crowdsource when I needed resources or supplies for a special project. That helps the parents to feel like they are doing something active to help their child experience something joyful at school.

This generation of parents and most of the parents at the school where I teach, (I’m an elementary school teacher) are my peers. This particular generation and the one coming behind us are brilliant at crowdsourcing. So let them exercise what they’re good at, and then praise the mess out of them and thank them profusely when they deliver on what they said they will do! Let’s say you’re doing a special craft project for one of your math lessons. If you need some special supplies, call on a parent that you know is well connected and ask them to crowdsource the solution for you. This helps the parent to feel involved, and it’ll probably save you a lot of money and time. And that allows you to recoup some of your personal life! So that’s just a little bonus tip for you today. And if you’re needing to do some crowdsourcing, a great place to do that is on your weekly newsletter or email, whatever your regular means of communication with parents is. I realize that looks different for every classroom these days, but whatever you’re doing, if you’re doing a crowdsourcing thing, make sure that you help the parent out that you’ve asked to spearhead this by including their instructions in your weekly email to make their job easier.

Another way that I love to invite involvement is to invite regular visits into the classroom. In the past, I’ve had a volunteer orientation that I did with parents that wanted to come on a certain regular schedule. And by doing that, it allowed them to take ownership of what needed to be done. So I would spend one hour giving all of my parent volunteers an orientation on “When you get to the classroom, do this.” And then they just get to show up on Tuesday morning at nine o’clock every Tuesday, and they already know what they’re supposed to be doing! It doesn’t interrupt your classroom, routine and rhythm or your lesson flow. They just walk in and get to work. You’re going to have to teach them what your system is. People want to please, and they will go to the moon and back to do it if you’ll just show them how! Here’s another bonus tip: the same is true for your students, if you will just show them explicitly how to do what you’re asking them to do! They want to please you, and they will go to the moon and back to do it right if you will lovingly show them how.

The final way that I like to invite parent involvement is just to use an app to communicate with parents. I do have a personal favorite, but there’s a lot of good ones out there. So my suggestion would be to make a few fake classes on all of the different apps and find the one that’s the right fit for you.

11:02–Quick Recap
If you will take the time to build relationships to build bridges with parents by having voice to voice contact and be encouraging and inquisitive and reaching out to bring them into the fold of your classroom so to speak, you will find that parents are very eager to collaborate with you and be teammates with you even–and especially–on challenging circumstances involving their child!

12:41–Where I Started
So where did I start with these suggestions that I just gave you? I suggested four things: Number one, call parents whenever possible. Number two, compliment their children on your first interaction, if possible. Number three, ask questions, and number four invite involvement.

So the one that I start with is actually number two on the list! It took me a hot minute to come around to number one, which is making phone calls. If I could do it all over, I’d start with making in-person or voice to voice contact. Hindsight is always 20/20. If you’re just starting your teaching career, or maybe you’ve been in it for a while, like me and just need permission to pivot, start with making voice to voice contact whenever possible.

At the end of the day, following these suggestions in order gives a more clear-cut path towards the destination that you’re trying to get to. However, any of these ideas will be a positive step towards helping parents feel like they can trust you to love their family and not just their child well.

14:37–A FREE Formula for Calling Parents!
So which step will you start with? If you choose to start with making phone calls and really aren’t sure what to say, I’ve written out the formula I always use when contacting parents. It works for both celebration and challenging discussion phone calls. Normally it’s only included in the Win With Kids Playback Bundle. But for this week only, it’s available as a free download when you visit https://beyondthebedlam.com/episode 20. If you’re listening to this episode in real-time, you have until September 4, 2022 to snag the freebie, friend.

15:18–Yay YOU!
I am so glad you’re committed to building bridges with families for the success of your students. You are awesome for that.

Until next time, I’m cheering you on as you do the hard work to help students succeed!

I’m so glad that you’ve joined us today! I can’t wait to visit with you again, and until then, I’m in your corner cheering you on!

If you’ve enjoyed today’s show, remember to subscribe to the podcast before you close your app so you won’t miss future tips, tricks, and triumphs we’ll share along the way! And I’d be honored for you to share this podcast with a teacher mom friend who might be encouraged by listening along too! Talk with you soon!

Episode 15: How I quit being a chaos coordinator

/ Mom Organization+ Podcast

links mentioned in this episode

Brain Bedlam Briefing Guide

Episode 1 (Step by Step instructions on how to do a Brain Bedlam Briefing!)

show transcript

Welcome to Beyond the Bedlam, Episode 15!

Today I’m sharing the behind the scenes details about the time I decided to quit coordinating chaos.  I’m telling the truth about what my life actually looked like and how I made the shift from chaos to calm.  

Pop in your earbuds and join me for this truth-telling walk down the road I took toward calm.

Before I dive in to today’s episode, I wanted to take a quick moment to tell you that you are seen.  Chances are good if you’re listening to this episode that you’re feeling a little overwhelmed in your own life’s chaos.  If that’s you, hang in there, and be sure to check today’s show notes or episode description to grab a link to resources to encourage you on your own journey.  I’m cheering for your success!  Ok, let’s get going!

I can’t believe I’m even sharing this story with you today, but here we are.  It’s important to me to always tell the truth, and the truth is that everyone is a walking story, and no story is all sunshine and rainbows.  And I’m no exception.  Hang with me through the dirty parts of this story, though, because at the end of the episode, I have a resource to help you start simplifying your own chaos.  

The year was sometime around 2016.  I don’t remember the exact date, but this particular evening, I had gone to a meeting for a side business I was running at the time.  While I was at this meeting, I sat next to a teacher friend, and we got to talking about how busy our brains were.  We flitted from one subject to the next throughout the course of the night.  I honestly don’t remember all of the things we talked about or really many other details of the meeting, but I remember we both had lots of projects and ideas, responsibilities and dreams.  Both of us were too busy to slow down much, but we had a passion for our work at home, at school, and in our individual businesses.  What stuck out the most to me about our conversation was feeling validated that I had visited with someone who had similar experiences as me.  

The truth was that my scatterbrained-ness kept our home in a constant state of chaos.  There were “loose ends” left untied everywhere.  From laundry that was piled on the couch (or still laying dirty all over the bedroom) to bills that I couldn’t locate because I laid them in a “super safe spot” to kids that were misbehaving because I wasn’t being consistent with them, my whole life felt like a chaos bomb had exploded everywhere.  My poor super-organized and ultra patient husband was left trying to pick up my literal and figurative messes, and I was stuck in a constant state of overwhelm.  

To be fair, we were in the throes of parenting a preschooler and toddler, and I was only a year or so in to teaching at a new school.  But our life was CRAZY.  And it was HARD.  And I wanted something to change.  

So this particular night when I walked in the door from this meeting, I remember walking straight to my husband’s man cave and telling him that I had visited with this teacher friend whose experience was similar to mine.  He shared my joy that I didn’t feel alone, and I went back to the living room to start thinking about what I could do to help make our family’s life less chaotic.  

I should stop here to give an important side note.  If this is your first episode, it’s important for you to know that my husband is a licensed professional counselor.  To be honest, he’s brilliant, and at this particular moment in time in this story, I was not yet ready to admit that.  But he was gracious to allow me to arrive at my own conclusions about how my chaos was creating instability in our family.  

Back to the living room that evening….  I dove in hard and fast on learning as much as I could about organization.  I enrolled in online classes.  I made and remade schedules and plans.  But the truth of the matter is that none of those pieces started becoming helpful to me until one critical thing happened.  

So what was the thing that made the biggest difference in moving from chaos to calm?  This one thing was like the first domino in a whole long maze of dominoes.  Without this first one, none of the others could be knocked over!  

The most critical piece of my journey from chaos to calm was having a teachable spirit.  

If I’m being honest, it’s not one of my finer qualities that I like for things to be *my* idea.  Coming to a place where I was willing to accept that my ideas had brought about chaos and that I needed to try someone else’s idea was hard for me.  But I committed to doing the learning and giving it a shot.  

For weeks and months, I buckled down to study all things organization.  I finished those classes I signed up for.  I listened to podcast after podcast.  I joined social media discussion groups.  I bought all the things.  And guess what?  To my perfectionist dismay, it was MESSY.  

I had decided in my head that a journey toward calm would be picture perfect.  Actual messes in our home would be cleaned up.  Ideological messes would be eliminated.  But sometimes the narratives we have in our heads and the circumstances we are actually living out just don’t match.  And that’s where the second most important part of my journey to calm comes in.  

I decided not to quit.  There are people who call this the “messy middle,” and it turns out that they’re RIGHT.  Being willing to go through the messy middle where nothing you’re trying is working and committing to doing the difficult work of figuring it out anyway is the difference between staying stuck in chaos and moving toward calm.  The truth is that moving toward calm isn’t always calm!  And that’s ok!  There will always be “moving parts.”  Even the best laid plans are going to fall apart sometimes.  But determining that you will stay the course and see it to completion is CRITICAL to your success here, friends.  

Humor me this…  Most of you who have listened to multiple episodes know that I am a Christ-follower.  Jesus has changed my life, and to be honest, apart from Him, I am nothing.  My best is filthy rags to him.  But in his great kindness, Jesus not only cleaned up the worst mess of my sinful heart, He also makes a way to help me become more like him one little step at a time.  In fact, in his letter to the Philippians, Paul talks about Christ being faithful to bring to completion the good work He started in us.  If God Himself is not giving up on the good work He has started in my life, who am I to say that I should give up on pursuing the completion of that work?!?  

Deciding to diligently pursue calm even in the midst of chaos–and keep pursuing it when it’s inconvenient, uncomfortable, and not yet fruitful will ultimately give you the opportunity to let little changes take root in your heart and in the daily pieces of your life.  

Which leads to the last key in my transformation from chaos to calm:  embracing change as incremental.  

Anyone who knows me well is probably laughing right now.  It’s true:  I’m an all or nothing, go big or go home, finish it or die trying, kind of girl.  So accepting incremental change is VERY difficult for me.  In fact, next to humbling myself toward having a teachable spirit, this was probably the most difficult part of my transformation.  

I like results.  We all do!  Why else would we spend our hard-earned money on resources that help us give the appearance of results–espeically if they come quickly?  Everything from hair color to self-help books to planners and products that promote a healthy lifestyle are things we don’t question spending our money on because we want results.  

But when it comes to waiting for those results?  That’s hard.  We want to wake up tomorrow and have a different life.  We want to look different–NOW.  We want to have a new habit–NOW.  

So how did I come to appreciate the small changes?  By celebrating the small wins!  I learned to set goals and break them into small pieces and celebrate when one little bitty tiny piece of a goal was accomplished!  I learned to reflect at the end of the day and find ONE little win that moved me closer to the reality I was wanting.  I practiced being excited when I made decisions that were more aligned with moving away from chaos–even if there were still chaotic pieces of my life.  

In 2016, I could have never dreamed that my life would feel more simple.  I would have laughed had someone told me that eventually I would find a system that didn’t have to be changed every week or even every year to help me feel calm and centered!  I would have probably burst into tears if someone had told me that 6 years later I would still be figuring out some of the smaller details.  But I sure would have celebrated that eventually I would get it!  

In all honesty, I did not wake up and find a calm and peaceful life on the other side of making a decision to learn how to ditch the chaos.  At the time, I wished I could have snapped my fingers and been on the other side of it, but it turns out that there is DEEP joy in the process.  That messy middle we talked about a few minutes ago?  100% worth it!  The calm I experience in the classroom, in my relationships with family and friends, and in our home far outweighs any of the difficulties I experienced on the journey.  

Is my life perfect?  No.  It will not be on this side of heaven.  And yours won’t be either.  That will only come when God brings complete restoration to the way He intended this world to function.  But along the way, He gives us graces to help us pursue that day.  You can be sure that God will complete his good work in your life!

You might be listening and thinking “Lauren, your story is all nice and good, but what about me?  What about today?  What can I do RIGHT NOW to start pursuing getting out of the chaos?  

I could literally talk about this all day.  I really geek out on this kind of thing!  Truly!  

But if I could give you only ONE practical thing to do after you decide to learn how to pursue calm, it would be to do a Brain Bedlam Briefing.  

That’s a fancy term I coined for a brain dump.  I literally do not like that term.  To be honest, a Brain Bedlam Briefing is such a powerful tool–moreso than just free writing ideas without a purpose.  This exercise helps me to INFORM my brain of what’s making it crazy.  

If you’d like a detailed look into how to do a proper Brain Bedlam Briefing, check out Episode 1 where I took a deeper dive into this topic!  

At the beginning of today’s show, I promised you a free resource to encourage you on your journey, and I’m here to deliver on that now!  Click the link in today’s show notes at beyondthebedlam.com/episode15 to grab my free template for a guided Brain Bedlam Briefing!  I hope this resource will be a true blessing to you as you pursue calm out of the chaos.

Friends, I’m so glad you’ve joined us today.  I can’t wait to visit with you again, and until then, I’m in your corner cheering you on!  

If you’ve enjoyed today’s show, remember to subscribe to the podcast before you close your app so you won’t miss future tips, tricks, and triumphs we’ll share along the way!  And I’d be honored for you to share this podcast with a teacher mom friend who might be encouraged by listening along too!  Talk with you soon!